Ep 86. Do you need boundaries?

Friends, the holiday season is upon us, and now is a good time to ask yourself TWO really important questions. 

1. Have I set boundaries with those who need them or do I just assume I have them?  

2. What's my self-care plan  

BOth of these questions matter and I happen to be solving both for myself this very minute so thought I'd invite you along. If you want to have a happy Holiday, you are the only one who can create it. Hopefully, this helps. have a safe and happy Holiday. 

Transcript

Amy: 0:06

I don't often publish a bonus Roots change episode. This morning I had a quick chat in the Roots Change Facebook group about boundaries. It's self care season and we can't not talk about boundaries. So many of us, at least in the states and truly around the world, are coming together with friends and family in the next 60 ish days. Way less than that. We're gonna get triggered. People are going to cross our boundaries. People are going to do things that don't sit well with us. And I think it's important that we have a plan. So I hope you enjoy a chat about boundaries and even more importantly, I hope it helps. I'm Amy, a life and wellness coach. You're listening to Roots Change, A Grow With Me Podcast. Every week, myself and others come on to share something we've learned in our own journey in hopes it helps you in yours. So, this week kind of kicks off the holiday season for a lot of folks, especially here in the States. We, some of us are celebrating Thanksgiving, and I plan to go visit my family in Wisconsin for the first time in a really long time. And I thought this was a really good time to talk about boundaries., how can we have like a whole month devoted to practicing self care and not talk about the elephant in the room. The thing that very often creates a gap between how we wanna feel and how we actually feel and show up. Family can be fun. More honestly stated how we react to family can be not fun. It can be difficult. Setting boundaries is a self care practice I'm not very great at, and I think many of us wouldn't even consider that self care but hopefully after the last few weeks So I'm really excited to see my family. I really truly am. And also I have concerns.. So often we think that we set boundaries that we never did. We think about what's acceptable in our relationships and what isn't, and then it ends there. But friends, we have to actually communicate them in order to set them. Otherwise, it's, it's unfair. To have boundaries that you only know about is, is not fair. We, or at least me, I always hope that people understand how to treat me. I feel I do a very good job displaying how I want to be treated because that's how I treat other people. I am the example and I just assume or hope that other people will get in line with that and do the right thing, and it's not always the case. And if I'm gonna be completely honest, I'm a hundred percent certain that last holiday season I even crossed boundaries and they were communicated to me. Let me, let me explain. My sister, who I love so very much has set a boundary with everybody in our family to not purchase her gifts, don't do it. And she even explained why. So she told me what she wanted. She explained why even though she didn't have to. So when you are telling people what your boundaries are, you don't have to tell them why they're there, but it's often helpful because it helps people get behind, helps people get behind that. So she set a boundary with everybody in our family Do not buy me presents, this is why, and I will., I, I will feel upset if you do. And what do I do? I say, screw your boundaries. I'm gonna do it anyway. What a jerk. Like, who the hell do I think I am? Right? I didn't even think about the fact that I was going against her wishes. I was crossing a very clear boundary that she had set because I thought what I wanted was right. I thought that that what I wanted to do was more right than what she wanted to be done, and that was wrong. And so this year, , I'm doing, I'm doing better. I'm doing better this year. Um, I'm, I'm trying to pay attention to the pe, to the boundaries that other people are setting and being thorough when I set my own, although I haven't. I, I'm not good at this. I've set very good boundaries with the man I love and my children, but outside of, even with my two closest friends, but outside of this very safe space where I feel safe Outside of that, I really haven't done too much. And after a really hard turn of event in Mexico with a woman that I love very much and always will, um, I realize that I need to set boundaries. So here's why I'm avoiding it. I don't wanna hurt anybody's feelings. Like,, raise your hand if you every worry, or raise your hand internally if you worry that setting boundaries for yourself might hurt people's feelings. Doesn't that it's totally a reasonable thought. Like it's, I totally get it because I really, I'm afraid, I don't like to have hard conversations with people if I think it's going to hurt their feelings because I really truly do love the So I have to set boundaries. And part of doing that, like I said, is actually having communication and stating them. Friends, I have no idea yet what my boundaries are. I know what they are like in my head, in my head it's like, you know, don't emotionally abuse me. that's like the biggest one. Um, if I say no. It's no like do not push me or attempt to guilt me into doing something that I have said no to because I can say no, and I can change my mind at any time. And it's important to me that the people in my life, even if they don't like it, that they respect it and that they don't push. And the reason this is a boundary that I haven't communicated is because I know myself and I have a commitment to myself to say no, if I don't wanna do something. And in order to stick to it, I need people to get on board because it's hard. It's not their job, but it's, it's, it's the requirement of access. So this week I have, I'm leaving Wednesday. I have approximately three days and two nights to decide what my boundaries are with other people outside of my close knit community, which is the Mr., My children and my two closest friends. Um, I have to decide what these boundaries are going to be, why I need them, and figure out how to communicate them in a way that doesn't throw me into an activated nervous system, I'm guessing it gets easier. It's easy with my family. With my children. It always has been easy. With the man I love, not so much, but it's gotten really, really easy. And for the most part, we respect each others. We cross cross on, you know, a time or two, but have personal accountability and step back and say, I'm sorry, let me do better. And I have a couple days to figure out how to create that in other spaces. Wish me luck. This week, if you're meeting with family, how are you going to protect yourself? How are you going to kindly set boundaries kindly and a assertively set boundaries? And do you just assume that you have? I think that's a really good question. This is something really good to think about as we grow closer to Thanksgiving and for others, other holidays of the season. What boundaries do you have in, in your head? What do you tolerate in relationships with specific people? Because there's some people that need different boundaries than others. So think about that. Who are the people that you're going to come into contact with? And if the thought of getting together around a table or for an entire day, or for an entire weekend, and you feel like some tension and anxiety What are you concerned about? Literally brainstorm and just start writing all the different things. This is what I'm worried is might happen. Often, and I will say like, let's not just worry for nothing. This isn't for nothing though, because we have to set ourself up in a way where we experience the holiday season how we want to, and part of So you could think about all the people that you expect to exchange energy with. Think about what your concerns are, get 'em on paper and start thinking about how you can navigate that. First, like how can you protect yourself? What are some simple things that you can do going into that environment, to get you to a really good state emotionally. So for me, self-care is going to be huge and I'm traveling, so that's like a whole nother element. I've gotten really good at taking care of myself at home, but I proved to myself last spring in Mexico, not so good at doing it outside of this. So that's something I have to think about. How am I going to protect my peace? How am I going to prioritize my wellness outside of the boundaries, in somebody else's space, and how can I communicate that need to other people? because I'm going to have to. I might need to step away. I've gotten very comfortable with solitude. I really, really love it. You'll never, you know, if I have it my way, you'll never find me in another office space unless I own it and it's like me and maybe a coach and an administrator. Like that's it. I don't ever want to be in an environment full of other people and all their big emotions unless I have chosen to. So how am I going to keep this body, this nervous system regulated so I'm not flying off the handle or taking things wrong or feeling like I'm emotionally exhausted. How am I going to prioritize my wellbeing and take care of myself outside of my own environment? That's something I don't know yet. Something I have to decide. And then if something happens, Assuming I communicated my boundaries and they knew because I for sure need to have some conversations, but not with everybody. So how am I going to protect my own peace and prioritize my own wellbeing when other people really don't know what I need and I don't need them to. How am I going to not let their energy and where they're at, affect me? How can I show up how I want to for myself and for my people, regardless of what's going on? I don't know , but I, you're gonna see some ideas. So probably for personal accountability and to remind anybody who sees this or anybody who's getting together with family that they can do the same, post my steps. So sometime today I'm going to. I'm already thinking about it, but sometime today I'm going to start thinking about the people I'm going to come in contact with this holiday season, and I'm gonna draw some awareness into I'm going to think about how I set boundaries for the people that I know I need to set them with. What's that gonna look like and how can I have that type of conversation from a place of love? It might not go how I hope, like I can't control how people react or respond to the things that I communicate to them, but I can manage So that's the other piece. How am I going to practice self care going into this? How am I going to practice self care in the moment in an environment that is not my own? That's a lot. Maybe I shouldn't have waited till week three. Damn procrastination! Man alive. Listen, I hope everybody has a beautiful Monday, a wonderful week, and I hope you have the holiday that you're wishing for and deserve and know that you are the only one who can create that. That's not something I like to hear. There's a part of me that's resistance to that truth, but it is the truth. We are the only ones that can create the life that we want, and that includes the holidays. Sometimes it means no contact with some people. I mean, I'm living that right now and have for two years. Sometimes it means setting boundaries for yourself and then communicating them to others. Sometimes it's following through with those. It's a hundred percent always all of those things, and regulating your nervous system and having a self care plan and managing your thoughts in the moment. Have the holiday you want. You deserve it. Anyway, I'm spiraling. Now it's time to punch into work. Wish me luck. More to come. It's boundary season, baby You see why I needed to share this? It's important how we interact with people, influences how we interact with ourself, and definitely how we experience life. And I believe with all my heart, so many of us think that we have set boundaries with people who we haven't . It's important that we get what's in our head and say it. It's important that we care enough about our relationships to do what we can to keep them safe, and I think boundaries is one way of doing that. This chat has me thinking about all types of things. Not even just boundaries, just self care in general. Like how the hell am I gonna do it? I'm going to be driving so much. I feel like half the time I'm gone, I'm going to be in a car with my kids getting somewhere and it's gonna take a lot from me. It's going to drain my energy. And my emotions may be high. So it's important that I figure out now how I'm going to compensate for that. Just like send me all the love and I'll send you all my love and to anybody who listens, have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Roots Change, with every choice you make. Until the next time, you are loved. You are worthy, and you can achieve anything.