Ep 90. Wish Them Well

All December I've been sharing "tips to a happier life". In this week's episode, I'm sharing a lesson I learned the long, hard way. It's about forgiveness, compassion, and wishing those that have harmed us, well. Let me just start by saying this... this person I wasn't sure I ever could forgive. I actually had at one time decided there was just no way I ever could. But as I healed from the harm they caused, It became clear that I had to at least try. Not for them but as an act of radical self-love in the form of release. And up until last week, I didn't really believe I had...until my response to some news revealed that I truly have. 

https://amylinsmeyer.com/90

Transcript

0:00

Last week, an unexpected phone call inspired today's conversation. This is a concept myself and others struggle around. You ready to hear it? It's a doozy. Wish them well. I'm Amy, a life and wellness coach. You are listening to Roots Change, A Grow With Me Podcast. Every week, myself and others come on to share something we've learned in our own journey in hopes it helps you in yours. I've spent every day of December reflecting and sharing tips. My tips to a happy life. When I say happy, I think it can be confused with the emotion, happy. But when it comes to living a happy life, that's not really what I mean. I mean making the most out of your life, enjoying it to the best of your ability, and I've definitely learned from my own example what to and not to do. And so, I thought what a great thing just to reflect on this December. It's like a gift to myself and a gift to anybody should they want to take me up on any of these tips. Last week, an unexpected phone call inspired today's conversation. This is a concept myself and others struggle around. you ready to hear it? It's a doozy. Wish them well. One of my talents, one of the greatest gifts I was given upon coming into this human body of mine, is the ability to forgive. Saying that forgiveness is a talent or a gift might sound a little silly, but hear me out because it truly is. You might think forgiveness is a choice and you wouldn't be wrong. Forgiveness is a choice. It's a decision, but also, the ability to forgive easily and just let it go and have compassion and understanding in order to do that in a way that Haven't you interacted with people who hold on to hatred that hold onto deep resentment or a grudge? Haven't you met somebody who, some, like their friend did them wrong and every time they think about them or you bring them up something in them gets activated and it's not good? It's ugly and you can see them slide down the emotional scale. Haven't you witnessed that in your own life? Haven't you experienced it yourself? I have. That's why forgiveness was a huge part of my own healing. Journey. I had a lot of people to forgive, but it all started with myself and I wanted to talk about one particular person today, but not so much about the person, more Forgiveness and wishing people who have done us wrong, well... and meaning it like really, truly meaning it. Nothing superficial... man. That leaves you open for so much abundance, so much goodness to flow in! Letting go to allow has been massive for me. So here's why this was brought up and is now included on, on Amy's, uh, tips to a happy life. Uh, this December last week, I received a phone call from the Wisconsin Child Support Office. It was in regards to, my first husband, should we call him that? He's the first person who abused me as an adult and it was a lot. It was, it was rough and I would say it really affected my self-concept. And it's taken me a long time to let go of the shame built around that relationship and the choices I made to be good enough and deserving of his love. So I get a phone call from the Wisconsin Child Support Office to ask me if I would do him a solid , we'll just call it that. I was told that he is in prison and does not get out until December of 2025 and had been in there since December of 2021. And was I willing To put a hold on his child support, meaning no amount due from 2021 until his incarceration has ended. Without even thinking about it, I said, of course, that's not a problem. Part of that response was made easy by the fact that, you know, I've n never gotten used to receiving payments, and his youngest is almost 18. Another year, and she's graduated high school, so what's really the harm? I said, yeah, that's not a problem. Let's not reinstate it. By the time he's out, he doesn't pay child support anymore. Let's just deal with the arrears. Then got off the phone and I was like kind of surprised by how I felt. I wasn't resentful about it. I wasn't annoyed or frustrated. I was really, really sad. All these years later, I'm 40, I met this guy when I was 19, married him when I was 21, and I don't even know when we got divorced too. I'm 40 now. All these years have passed, and to know that the change that was available to him wasn't taken advantage of is pretty heartbreaking. That's how I know that I have forgiven because I felt bad to know that he's not experienced the personal transformation that I have. I believe with all my heart, and I will argue this until I die , because people tell me that it's not possible, but I believe with all my heart that change is possible for everyone. Everyone. I believe that in my heart. I know it is true because I feel it in my soul!. Everyone is capable of change and everybody comes in and out of this world completely worthy. And who am I to hold a grudge until the day I die? I don't want to deteriorate my own wellbeing. I wanna live a happy free life, free from deep resentment, free from hate. I choose to wish people well when I can. This, this took me a long time. I didn't even realize that I truly. It was something that I've told myself I have done, but I didn't really feel it in my body. And last week I did and it felt really good and I felt really proud, and I wanted to just record this really quick podcast episode because we're all human beings. We've all been hurt by people. I'm not telling you that you have to forgive anybody, but I'm telling you, if you, if you can find it in your heart to forgive the people who have hurt you The weight that comes off your shoulder, the burden that you no longer have to bear when you just let it go and you choose to have compassion or you choose to just let it go. I understand compassion is a hard one for some people, for a lot of people, even myself. I did not have compassion for him for a really long time, and I just realized I did last week when the emotion I had after that phone call was deep sadness. Not for me, but for him, not for his kids, but for him. That's how I knew I had, I have resolved that and I know I can go on with my life and not be affected by the memory of those moments any longer. Now, as I move forward, I know it does not have the power over me it once has. And that is a gift. That is a blessing. That is something that can only better my life like right now and as I move forward. And that's exciting and that's available to everyone. But it is not always easy. Sometimes it is, sometimes it's not. So what if we just start small? What if we just start with the person who you trusted and they broke that trust in some small way. They told somebody about something you thought they would keep private. What if it's the person who just cut you off in traffic? What if you can just forgive them? What if you can have compassion for them? What if you can observe them for the human being they are and just decide they had a bad day? How would that feel? How would that change how you feel right now? How would that change the direction of your day when we hold on to anger, to hatred, to resentment and bitterness... hurt, blame? It deteriorates our wellbeing. It doesn't feel good. It takes from us when we let it go, we allow goodness and more joy and love to flow through, and that's how I choose to live. And that is the tip that I have for you. Wish Them Well! Whoever they are, whoever you are thinking about right now, and if it is causing you pain, maybe start small and work your way up to it if it feels right. And I just feel this is important that I say, I'm not telling you that you have to, and I'm not making you wrong if you don't, I'm just saying you can. And it's kind of like self-love. But you're not wrong if you don't. I grew up in a split home where on my father's side, he was deep in the Christian religion and the person who I felt closest and most safest with was my, my grandma. She always brought me to church and to summer camp, and one of the things that they drilled in us at summer camp was that forgiveness was a requirement Part of this thing I say is a gift, part of my forgiveness talent, I'm sure has something to do with that, but it always felt true to me. It all, I always believed it to be true and not in the fear-based way, although that tactic was definitely used. I proved it to myself by forgiving others, how it changed me, how it felt at a really young age, and I continued and I will still continue. So I just think it's really important to know that you don't have to forgive anybody if you don't want to. Whatever happened, you can hang onto that shit for as long as you want to. You can grip to it as tightly as you want to. So forgiving or wishing someone who has done you harm? Well, you do not have to, but I hope you can. Not for their sake, but for yours. You deserve to have a happy. You deserve to not carry resentment with you to the grave. You deserve to not let anger and hatred deteriorate the love that is in your heart for yourself and for others. You deserve a life well lived. We can forgive people and wish them well and never fucking allow them in our life. There's a lot of people that no longer have access to Amy that I love and have forgiven, but I love me most, and that means I protect me at all costs. They don't have power over me anymore. I'm not thinking about how I've been wronged... unless, of course I'm triggered, then I am and then I have, I can manage it, move through it, let it go and move forward. I'm not imprisoned by other people and what they have done with me. I am free and I am free through that sense of forgiveness and the ability to wish people well who have wronged me. In this moment I feel very proud of myself because I didn't know if I would ever arrive here with him. But I have and I truly do wish him well. A lifetime of imprisonment is no way to live. It's a waste. And when I think about my past and my relationships and my pursuit of what I thought was love, I see how when I was in that environment, I too thought change was not When we're in an environment, we do not always see our full potential. We do not believe in what's possible. But if there's just a little glimpse of hope or someone reminding you of what is possible, that can make all the difference. So it makes me sad that I have let myself out of that own self imprisonment and, and some people haven't. I don't know. So if this feels hard for you right now, it's just something to consider. It's just something to be curious about and, and wonder and be aware.. And if you'd like to learn how to let go, just a little, start small. The guy that didn't get your order right at the drive-through, whatever, it doesn't have to be big. In fact, I think it's the small steps that lead us into the greatest transformation. And isn't that what this podcast is all about? Roots Change!. I'm on a mission to help as many people as possible go from this is as good as it gets to living an empowered life they love! Forgiveness has been part of that. I'm really glad that I can practice what I preach in this moment right now. Sometimes I don't get it right. Sometimes I am not my best self. I mean, of course I'm going to get it wrong. So will you. We're human beings, so we gotta celebrate when we know we've gotten it right. Wishing them well, wishing ALL of them well, and meaning it from the depths of my heart. Hoping that people swoop into their lives and help them to create transformation. It's a big deal. It's freed me. It's empowering. It's let me out of the shackles of resentment, of self-pity, of shame. thats what forgiveness has been really, truly for me, but I do hope for every person who has ever wronged me, and I hope they hope this for me as well, that Roots change, with every choice you make. Until the next time, you are loved, you are worthy, and you can achieve anything.