Ep 91. Failing Forward Together

As 2022 comes to a close (and yes, that crept up fast), I've been thinking about the things I gave up on this year.  Not in a discouraging way. More curious and seeking understanding. Well, I've done some processing over the last few days and determined most of the time, when I give up on something I care about, it's really not my fault. It's just my brain does a really good job. 

This episode is meant to both educate and invite you into something special.  A moment of honest self-awareness. 

Transcript

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As we near the end of 2022 many of us are evaluating our goals. We're looking at the things that we accomplished this year and the things that we didn't. Some of us are being super hard on ourselves. Others not so much. I recently hosted a couple of coaching and connection sessions (that's what I'm calling them) around moving forward into 2023 and deciding the types of things that we'd like to focus on. For me and others some of the things that we're going to focus on as we move forward are the same things we were focused on at the beginning of this year. Oops, I did it again. That's like the, that should be like the resolution failure song, like the Giving Up song. But today, I wanna talk about this in a different way because you know what? I'm not all for resolutions, but I am for growth and I am for creating the life that I want, and I'm here to encourage others to do the same, and so it Today's episode is about that. I'm Amy, a life and wellness coach. You are listening to Roots Change, A Grow With Me Podcast. Every week, myself and others come on to share something we've learned in our own journey in hopes it helps you in yours. Some people have a tricky relationship with failure, including me. For the longest time, I didn't even want to call a failure. A failure... like it was bad. It wasn't good for my mindset to say I failed at something. Even though I did. If you're a growth-minded human being, you are going to fail. Unless you are stagnant and not trying to do anything, you're gonna fail. Even if you're doing that, you are failing because that is not what you truly want. Stagnant energy is the result of something else. It's a symptom of something else. A deep seeded belief, a self-concept problem.. Anyway, long story short, we're all a bunch of fucking failures and it's okay. Failing and mistakes are actually good for us, like scientifically, so let it be okay with you emotionally. The only person who cares that you fail is your ego, so , stop it. We're failures. If you're trying, you're failing and it's awesome. Let's fail together. Anyway, sorry about that. Today we're gonna talk about why we quit on ourselves. Why it happens, how it happens, and how we can interrupt the process. Because what I was so surprised about is that everybody I talk to experienced the same thing. It's like as time went on, we stopped doing different things and we weren't even conscious of it. Our brain is tricky, and so I wanna start by saying it's not your fault because it's not when you. It's not because you don't want to do the thing, it's because you have a very powerful brain that's very good at its job. I'm gonna talk a little science super quick, and I'm probably gonna say things wrong, and I'm probably not gonna say everything exactly how I should because my understanding is not deep. I know enough to help myself and others, and it continuously changes. I continuously learn. I'm like rewiring my subconscious brain right now. I'm learning how to calm down my nervous system so that as I move forward towards the things that I want to change, the things that I want to achieve, it doesn't feel so fucking awful... because that's not part of my , mission here on this beautiful planet of ours.. My vision is to help as many people as possible live an empowered life that they love, including myself. You know what? I don't love white knuckling through life. Not going to do it. Do not opt in for that shit anymore. And you know, who's trying to protect me from doing that? Um, my brain! My Lymbic system my reptilian brain. It's doing its job well. So let's learn a little bit about why it's not our fault that we give up and we fail, and why we stop. Why habits, why new habits are hard, why creating change feels so hard, which by the way, guys, it doesn't have to be. I'm gonna be talking so much about that in 2023 because ease is very, very, very important for me and because I understand how my brain works. I have seen the evidence. Like every time I try to do something like, I don't know, actually build a coaching business (great coach, not a great entrepreneur), I'm continuously Thank God that it is, and thank God yours is too, or you would not be here. Because death is around every corner, at least it used to be. And that's why I wanna talk about our limbic system, our reptilian brain, our primitive brain. When we want to create change for ourselves, we're essentially working against our brain. Our limbic system, or our reptilian brain, our primitive brain. It's basically an autopilot for human survival and it did a really good job. Thus, our existence . So I said earlier that it kind of operates. on autopilot, it's handles a lot of our basic functions that are happening behind the scenes, like breathing and eating and swallowing and habits. The things that we're used to doing, while it loves them and it doesn't love them to change. And so when we decide that we're going to do something different, when we're going to move towards something new, it doesn't like it. Its job is to protect us at all costs because its job is to keep us from extinction. And like I said, it's really good at its job. So when we want to create change, like forming a new habit or you know, building a business, there's a part of our brain that's called the amygdala. A Meg Agla ala, I don't know how to say it, but that's how I'm gonna say it. it's like right above our brain stem, and it's responsible for ex, like it's responsible for assessing and responding to risks. So basically when we set out to do something new, it's like, whoa, what the fuck are you doing? That's not what we're used to. I don't know how this story ends. It's like the human brain's doomsday prepper and it doesn't need to be. It believes every single conspiracy theory out there, and we just wanna like, you know, calm it down, let it know we're not gonna die because it's responsible for fight or flight too. When it senses danger, when it senses trouble, it activates our nervous system and we don't want that because that shuts us down. That stops us. That makes our job the part of us that wants to move forward and create new , it makes that part of our job really hard. And so my job as the person who has inhabited this beautiful human body, it's my job to remind myself, all of myself, that we're good here. Like this is what we want, and when I fail to be okay with it, And start over. Our amygdala, I'm pretty sure I'm saying that wrong, it wants to help us also conserve energy. And like I said, it assesses risk. It also assesses areas where we're wasting our energy and it predicts failure. And it doesn't wanna do things, it doesn't want us to do things that are going to take its precious assets. Because what if we go around the corner and suddenly we're attacked by a wild pack of. Wolves? If we're wasting our energy on, you know, building new relationships and meeting new people, if we're like wasting all of our energy, our resources on that... how will we have enough strength to outrun a pack of wolves? Well, we won't. We wouldn't, anyway. I mean, I don't know. We don't live in those days. That's not highly likely. I know you've heard this type of analogy before. It probably came in the form of a tiger, but I'm weird and I like wolves and I don't want them to attack me, and I don't think they will. Anyways, I'm losing focus. So let me take a very deep breath and ground myself. I'm safe. And you are safe. And the things that you want for yourself, they're safe too. And even though there's a part of you that wants to give up on things... that doesn't feel motivated to go after the goals that you truly do want to go after... You are still safe to go after them. Even if you fail and don't succeed. It's worth all the risk. That is one way that I am rewiring my subconscious brain. By helping it get more comfortable with risk. By helping myself to feel more comfortable in my body when I am uncomfortable and discomfort .Being more tolerant with discomfort. So here are, let me come back. Lemme take a few steps back and let's paint the picture. It is December 20th right now, nearly the end of the year. Here are some things that I have stopped doing. I have stopped walking for fitness. One of the things that is really important to me is my physical health. Let me tell you, that has taken the back burner in the last few months! When I was talking to someone on the recent coaching and connection call, it came to our awareness that it's not just me. In fact, you probably too have quit doing something that matters to you this year. Maybe it's physical fitness. Maybe physical fitness is something that's important to you, and at some point this year, who knows when you stopped feeling motivated to do it. Some people will say like, oh, you just stopped doing it because it didn't matter to you enough, or you're why wasn't meaningful enough? You have to just decide you're going to do it and move forward anyways. And to you. I say, fuck off. That used to be what I thought. That used to be what I believed, and it used to be what I actually probably said, and I was right/wrong.. So are you! Right/wrong? Yes right and also wrong. What if we nurtured and loved the part of us that wants to protect us from ourselves, the part of our brain that keeps us alive? What if we loved it? What if we learned to appreciate it and also did the thing? What would that feel like? And can we actually do it? That's what 2023 is to me in 2023. I am taking my physical fitness back into my own hands. It's going to have to start with me doing it even though I don't want to because I do want to, but also it's a waste of my energy and my brain knows that it's a waste of my energy. My house is so warm and cozy. My brain wants me to stay here and drink coffee and watch Hallmark. My brain doesn't want me to record this podcast. My brain wants me to quit it all together. Literally had this thought yesterday. Yesterday, . Oh man. This is how deep this shit goes. I love roots change. I love my podcast. I love coaching, and yesterday and like several times throughout the year, I actually had the thought that I should just quit it. I should just quit. I don't even... I have just signed on four new clients! All of them, starting in January, and for some fucking random reason, I had the thought yesterday that this podcast isn't doing its job that I should. That the energy it takes, the strength, the resiliency it takes for me to show up every week and talk from my heart and not let the results, not let how many downloads I have ,stop me. That just feels too hard and I, something in me weighed the risk of that and for a moment. Thought it wasn't worth it for a moment. Considered the idea of just quitting for the sake of ease. My brain is so smart. I am so smart. And you are so smart. We know what we want. We . I want more ease. Ease is important to me. I do not want to white knuckle through things, but also I do want to move forward and I do want to live my life how I wanna live it. And part of that is this podcast, the part of my brain that knows that I want more ease, clings on to the truth, that showing up in this way is an opposition with ease. That I'm not always comfortable. That sometimes it takes effort. Sometimes I don't wanna. Sometimes the cozy couch and blanket and hallmark are better than this, but that's not true. My brain is trying to protect me from the results! From how I will feel if I don't achieve this specific statistic. If my podcast continues to like grow at the rate it's growing because it's really not. It's actually gone backwards this year, and I've gotten more honest and vulnerable and true in myself and what I'm willing to put out there for the. So I've taken risk, showed up in a more authentic and vulnerable way, and as a result, my podcast views and downloads have gone down. My brain wants to look at that evidence and say, stop. Don't do it, girl, for what? But my for what and my why and my why is important. And you know what, this is good for me. It's my job to remind myself to self-motivate, to remember why I started in the first place and to not to not take heed to every thought that I have. So you might not have caught it, but the first, the first way, like I'm learning and helping my clients to move forward and not quit, but if they do be okay and And the second way is by managing our thought. I used to be all thought, no feeling. I have flipped that shit completely on its side and they're almost, they're like adjacent to each other. And sometimes it's my feelings and sometimes it's my thoughts, but both can stop me. And so I want more ease and I wanna manage mind. In order to do that, I have to work with all the tools. I have to look at all of me, even my brain, even my nervous system, even my physical body, even how much energy I have, even my vibration. I have to think about all of it, even my commitments, even my family. All of it, because all of it influences the actions that I take and how I feel when I'm taking 'em, and if I feel like shit, I don't wanna take them. and my brain sure as hell doesn't want me to either. It will stop me, even though I will suffer because I will not be happy. For some strange reason being uncomfortable in my skin is bringing me joy. It's bringing me happiness, and I'm here for it. If you've quit on some stuff this year, let's start with self-awareness. Let's be real. Let's talk about the things that we didn't do. Take a few minutesand consider.. Think back to January, 2022. You're revved up, you're ready, hyped up on cookie sugars and all the things you're probably feeling like bloated because you've been eating maybe poorly. And how you feel isn't necessarily a true reflection of how you truly feel on a normal day, and you're letting these things bother you and you're like, yes, I'm But you didn't start something different. You didn't start something that felt more you or you did and then you gave up on that too, and you're not sure when. So let's first just start by being honest about the things that we wanted last year. What did you set out to do? If you do resolutions? What were they? If you do goals, what? What were they? If you wanted to create change, what was it? If it was a habit, what was it? Make a list and then ask yourself, when did I quit? When did this happen? And it's okay if you don't know.. I don't know. I, I don't know when I quit walking for fitness. I think in like this, when I decided that I was going to make this shift and invite more ease into my life. I confused myself somehow, or I gave into thoughts perhaps, or I wasn't paying attention to them and I believed them? At some point I stopped wanting to walk two miles a day and I stopped wanting to like work out for fitness, and I just wanted to do things that That makes me feel good, and I believe there's a place for both of this and both of these things in my life simultaneously. So next, decide what you want to do. What do you still want? Be honest. I want to lose 20 pounds. I've just gotten to the place where I can say that and not feel bad because body image is a huge thing, but also I feel a lot better when I am 20 pounds lighter. I feel better and I don't have to work so hard on on the self-talk. And am I being lazy? Maybe. But also I feel better. I feel better, and I think I look better. And if that makes me terrible... I'm just being honest. I am a human being and I may have to work on these things my whole life, but right now I want to make physical fitness part of my life. Now I get to decide how. So one of the things that I'm going to as I decide how I'm going to prioritize my physical health in 2023 is I'm going to reread atomic Habits So if you're listening to this podcast right now, get your butt into the Roots Change Facebook group and read it with us. Assuming somebody else is going to want to, hopefully the people that I was talking with this past week do. So. I'm gonna reread Atomic Habits because honestly, sometimes I read things and I skim and I don't retain everything. There's some very juicy nuggets that when I understand and I find resonance with it and my brain can like comprehend and learn the process and and last time I read it, some of the things didn't stick. I got the gist, but I didn't implement the tools. And this time I want to. This time I'm ready. In January, I'm going to reread Atomic Habits from James Clear, and I'm going to decide and act Now. I'm gonna implement things that are suggested, whether or not I have evidence that they work. It's all trial and error. That's literally my self-healing journey. That's literally my growth journey. That's why I am here as a life coach right now. All trial and error. I wouldn't have changed if I didn't try first and failed a shit ton of times. Another goal that I have for myself, another thing committed to in 2023 is building or having more agency over the relationship I have with everyone in my family. Um, and just like, because I have a dream that I am very committed to, and that is to have phenomenal relationships with every single one of my children until the day I die. Every single one of them. And I've said phenomenal. And when I say phenomenal, know that I can feel that relationship in my bones and it's beautiful. Like we're talking, often I'm taking trips to their house, they're coming home to visit. I'm a part, if they have a family, I'm a part of it. We take family vacations. I know what's going on, and they trust me. I'm a safe space for them. We laugh and we cry together and we eat good food and we have fun. And sometimes we get mad, but at the end of the day, we love each other and we're there for each other through thick and thin forever. And in order to do that, I need to prioritize them in my life in new ways So how I'm going to do that, this is one decision that was really easy for me to make, is I am going to invite them to do something with me while they're in my home at least once a week. And it can be really simple like, do you wanna come with me to go pick up coffee or do you wanna go to the grocery store with me, or would you like to take a walk? And I'm not going to have an expectation for them. I just wanna create the space for it to happen. I just want to have the invitation out there because at the end of the day, if I don't have phenomenal relationships with them, I want Hopefully it is. I'm expecting . I just said I'm not expecting things. I am, I'm expecting because I feel this in my bones and it is true, but I know I need to do some things different, so I'm just gonna invite my kids to do things with me. Simple little things. I'm really hoping that as they change and grow, we get to know each other differently. They get to know who I am. not just as a mom, but as a woman. Not just as a woman, but as like a person who thinks she's funny and fun, even though most people don't. Another goal that I have, another thing I'm focusing on in 2023 is my business, roots change. I love coaching. Have had lots of opportunities to coach people this year. I haven't had a ton of paying clients, but I made some money. I'm satisfied with my results. Even if I had none, even if I just had the pleasure of coaching people for free, that would have been good enough for me. Would've been a failure because I had a goal attached to this year, and then at some point I decided it wasn't my goal anymore... because my brain works, and it started telling me that goal was not actually important, and I got persuaded by my thoughts. I accepted them as truth even though they weren't .All in the name of moving forward effortlessly. So, I'm gonna stop doing that. I'm gonna just stop and I'm going to put out the offers that are dearest and nearest to my heart. Roots Change is like a, it's the podcast, it's also a Facebook group, but it's also, it's also a community where I invite people to experience coaching and we do growth together. Like with Me too. Me too. Me too, like I'm in it too. I am no different as a coach as I am as a podcast host . I am no different as a podcast host, as I am as a human being and friend. I'm willing to share my not so finished parts because transparency invites other people to do the same, and we're forever growing. So I'm just going to get over myself. Ask people to come in. I'm gonna start inviting people into this space that I want to create with them together. I'm gonna attach actual goals to it, even though I don't want to, and I have a little time to figure out why I don't want to. I think I know why I don't want to. It's because my brain knows failure and doesn't want me to experience failure. Doesn't want me to waste my energy on something that's not going to work. You.. That's our brain. That's our brain. Like it's unruly self not being managed. And you hear this over and over and then you believe it, and then you don't take the actions that you truly wanna take, and I save myself from it and choose comfort. I'm not going to do that because I know how to self-regulate and I am learning how to rewire my subconscious. I'm learning new ways to move forward with greater ease. Even when I'm scared. My (some call it) window of tolerance has grown and it will continue to grow and I'll continue to do scary things that put me at risk. I'll face judgment and I'll face failure and I'll be fucking proud and I'll cry and I'll celebrate. And sometimes I will wanna quit, but I won't. I will keep showing up because this matters to me. In these days leading up to January 1st, 2023, recommit yourself to the things that you want. Ask yourself why they're important. Ask yourself, discover when you quit if you can, or at least get a sense of understanding around why. Know that it was your brain doing this job and be curious about what specifically was your brain protecting you from? What was the risk? What was the fear? What would failure be the death of? What would you make that mean in your mind? And work on those thoughts. I'm going to invite you to join me in 2023 in the Roots Change Growth Community. It's held outside of social media. It's a private platform, and I'm gonna attach some way for you to get on the waiting list for that. But I'm gonna invite you there to do these things with me. When I learn something, I get to teach you. And when you learn something, you get to teach everybody. Community isn't just about the person who designed it, it's about the people who come, it's about all of us showing up with our greatest gifts I wanna change too. I want to witness your gifts and be benefited by them. I think that's beautiful. There's some things I'm not good at. There's a lot I'm terrible at, and there's some things that I might be able to teach you too. Plus I get to do coaching and that I love. So it'll be offered a couple different ways so that I feel it's accessible to most everybody. I don't really know what that's going to look like, but I have a couple weeks to figure it out. And I hope when it's ready, you're there too. Change is funny. Our brains are beautiful, but we got this. We can move forward and do the things that we want, and risk failure, we can fail forward. Roots change with every choice you make. Until the next time, you are loved, you are worthy, and you can achieve anything.